Roughly 2 months out of treatment

I've started and deleted this a couple times now.  Unsure how to put into words the feelings I have swirling around me at the moment.  Someone just posted on reddit in the breast cancer subgroup "Answers to How are You".  I responded with "I'm living the dream, but most of the time I lie".  Yep, when people ask how I am doing, I rarely give the honest answer.  

I've never understood depression in people.  How it takes your wants and wills away.  How is sucks the life out of the very existence you fought so hard to keep. But here I am pretty damn depressed.  I have no motivation to do much--reading isn't enjoyable anymore, getting out of bed is a struggle, exercising, eating, etc.  

I am still having a lot of pain in my arm, chest, armpit, and boob.  I'm now seeing a physical therapist for lymphedema.  I get lymph node massages.  Who knew that was a thing.  I've been given some stretches and I've been doing them.  In the past, I would do the exercises for a day or two and give up.  But I will say doing stretches really helps.  I always say I'll get up and do yoga in the morning, but that never happens.  Zero motivation.  

I find it interesting that back in the December 5th post, I also informed you I was lying.  I also said that cancer was not going stop me from living, but honestly after all the treatments, setbacks, and everything else, it honestly has kind of stopped me.  I just walk through the day in a blah mood and can't wait until 3pm when I can lay down and take a nap.  

I am still so exhausted all the time.  And still in pain.  And for the next 5-10 years I'll be taking some kind of pill.  I rarely took a Tylenol if I had a headache, now I have a pill container with AM/PM slots.  I feel 100 years old.  

But I will keep trudging a long because that is what I am expected to do.  The cancer is gone; you're back to normal.  There will never been a normal for me again, I fear.  

Until next time....