Monday, December 05, 2011

December 17, 2001

I'm sitting at NH well aware of ME.  Aware I'm sitting here ocassionally watching the game, catching a glimpse of a layup.  Heads up when the rim snaps.  Just aware.  So aware of all the sounds and noise.  Aware.  Yea, just aware.  That's what life must be.  Aware and that equals being mindful.  Today-that's what life has been.  Just completely mindful of everything.  From waking up to the quiet sun to doing my laundry to watching the movie.  Tomorrow, not too far away, will I remember it all?  A little, but why because it is yesterday and I'm only living todays now.  Smile.  Today, and what a day today has been.  It has been all me.  And so mindful.  The weather was just perfect.  Spending time with friends.  Just quality time-talking life but mindful of that life.  Just smiles of the day.

Friday, December 02, 2011

December 12, 2001

What is life? I need to know to live it, achieve it, be it.  Guess I'm living it and somehow achieving it.  Yea, I'm being it.  Weird how your mind questions such trivial things.  Life is breathing-waking up each morning, falling asleep each night, and going onto the next day-tomorrow. 

A great philosopher once told me to just keep waking up and everything works out eventually.  Funny how it worked.  Think I even argued his point.  But I did keep waking up even though quite difficult and one day everything hit, clicked.  I'm not saying life is 100% on the up and up, but it is going up.

Sometimes I feel like I got life all figured out.  And I'm living it right, properly.  I'm living today.  However I am dying as well.  Each morning I wake up, a piece of me was left with yesterday.  As I strive to live today, yesterday is just a diminishing memory.  For the memory might ride with me to my death, but that is all it is. 

Anyway, I realized waking up is a great thing even if quite difficult at times.  Waking up is a key ingredient in my purpose.  Kind of I guess.  Because if I did not wake up then I would have ultimately achieved my purpose.

Always hear "you learned something new everyday".  Yes, but don't you find the smallest things you learned, the most important?  Well may not the most important, but you always say "I've learned something new today".  And that might be something as simple as blocking your # on your cell phone.  However all through the day you were learning and gathering, calculating, remembering, and storing.  More or less, living and as more important information was stored, others were discarded to the grave-dead so to speak.  Life and living it is a marvelous entity.

Thursday, December 01, 2011

My Purpose

Between 2001-2002, my writings were off the wall.  I often consider self-publishing a book them.  They were some of my best I believe.  Of course that is my opinion and personally don't give a crap about your opinion.  But nonetheless, I throw them onto this site.

So why were they off the wall...many reasons I believe.  In 2000, I gave up a ton of stuff and lifted a nonexistent elephant off my chest.  I was exploring my spirituality, sexuality (click and read the ...has three stages), and life-ality.  Primarily I was exploring life.  During the next several posts, I am going to throw out those words I wrote.

December 3, 2001
I question what my purpose in life is.  And as I sit here at NH I come to think life doesn't really have a purpose.  Our, my purpose is to simple live and die.  And through those two stages, I must learn and experience all I can.  I must feel all I can-pain, sorrow, love, etc.  And of course learn from the feelings.  I will make mistakes and learn from it.  And when I die if there is an afterlife, I will have these to learn and experience more.  In yesterdays I was constantly searching for the purpose of my life.  Constantly wanting the answer, but sitting here tonight the answer just blew through my mind.  My purpose in life is to live.  And I realize this must be fully.  It must be lived to potential of tomorrow's lessons but living only in this exact time, this moment.  Not 5 seconds from now, right now.  I must get back to being mindful.  I'm sitting here writing, smiling.  I'm sitting here living my purpose.

The smile that was once shining so brightly and often and disappeared...its here tonight.  Why?  I think may be because I found my purpose but may be because life just seems right.  Calm, peaceful, and quiet even thought I live in the noise-filled busy city.  Just feels right! 

What is your purpose in life?